The best way to ensure a healthy relationship is to choose well in the beginning. Clarity is needed. The seven stages below can hinder clear thinking. If you find yourself in one of these categories; pause, pray and reflect before you enter a new relationship.
1. You are in transition.
“Two things rob people of their peace of mind: work unfinished and work not yet begun.” — Unknown
“He’s going through a divorce.” “She just got out of a really bad relationship.” “He’s in-between jobs.” Transition is never a good time to begin a new relationship. When I was younger, I helped one of my family members run her child-care center. When the kids transitioned from arts and crafts to lunch or from play-time to nap time — They were not allowed to begin a new activity without cleaning up the prior activity. The children learned at an early age; don’t begin something new if you still have unfinished business. In transition, we are not in the best frame of mind to make decisions. Clean up your “life area” before you enter a new relationship. You’ll make better choices and minimize the hurt you cause another person and yourself.
2. You are not walking in purpose.
“Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” – Amos 3:3
God does not simply marry people; God marries purpose. Each of us has a unique design on our souls to fulfill purpose on this earth. “Without vision the people perish.” Relationships are perishing all around, and nine times out of ten these people are not connected in vision and purpose. Feelings of romance come and go. Friendship, deep respect and admiration for the life work your partner is called to is crucial. When you get busy pursuing God’s purpose, the relationship will pursue you.
3. You are selfish.
“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.”
― Oscar Wilde
Do you enter a relationship expecting and demanding that another person meet all your needs? As Author William Nicholson writes: “Selfish people are hard to love because so little love comes out of them.” If you do not understand the sacrifice, selflessness and humility it takes to grow in love with another human being, you are not ready for a relationship.
4. You are intolerant of people’s flaws.
“When nobody around you seems to measure up, it’s time to check your yardstick.” – Bill Lemley
People are human. They will disappoint you. We can be harsh and judgmental of people as a means of self-protection. If nobody is “good enough” then we don’t have to be let down. Being vulnerable takes courage. Opening our hearts to love is a great risk– but the reward of giving and receiving love and acceptance is priceless.
5. You are still looking for Mr. or Ms. “Right.”
“When you fall in love with yourself, you will become irresistible to everyone else.” – Alan Cohen
A mature person is not looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right; they are seeking to become Mr. or Mrs. Right. Every relationship we draw into our lives is a reflection of our inner beliefs. I spent years in dysfunctional, codependent and toxic relationships. I was a powerless, “blame queen,” it was ALWAYS “them,” doing something to “me.” I did not have the courage or the wisdom to look within. Commit to nurturing your own heart and you will draw the “right” person to you.
6. You are not sexually healed.
“Sex, is rarely about sex.” – Shirley McClain
I believe sex is one of the most wonderful gifts God gave us. Please get healed of your past sexual issues before marriage. If you are harboring past hurts, sexual pain or confusion, make sexual healing a top priority.Don’t forfeit the joy of intimacy in your future because you are tied to the choices and guilt of your past.
7. You are not spiritually whole.
“Be love and love will find you.” – Duchane Larkin
When we forget our source, we put unrealistic pressure on a relationship to meet all our needs. Constantly working on our spiritual lives is the greatest gift that we can give to all of our relationships, our world and ourselves. You don’t seek the right relationship to make you whole; you receive the right relationship once you realize you already are whole.
I am with you on this journey towards personal growth, new life, wisdom and healthier relationships.
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